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mood

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good

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Oh, and this is something I found few days ago while reading various journals and I liked it:

Life is an opportunity: seize it
Life is beauty: admire it
Life is a gift: appreciate it
Life is a dream: make it come true
Life is a challenge: meet it
Life is a duty: complete it
Life is a game: play it
Life is expensive: preserve it
Life is a treasure: keep it
Life is love: enjoy it
Life is a mystery: deepen it
Life is a promise: fulfill it
Life is sorrow: overcome it
Life is a song: sing it
Life is a struggle: accept it
Life is a tragedy: face it
Life is an adventure: dare it
Life is luck: make it
Life is precious: do not destroy it
Life is life: fight for it!

[	mood	|	contemplative	]
[	music	|	Radiohead - "Pyramid Song"	]

It is truly hard to believe how his one word can cheer me up even when I`m feeling hopelessly depressed (well, okay, three words;o))

I do think I`m pathetic. I mean, so many people have real problems - serious lack of money, death of the ones they love, living in a country in war, suffering from deadly diseases... and yet they keep going, they keep fighting without feeling sorry for themselves. And I, having incredible, supportive boyfriend, loving family, being given help, not having to do anything I don`t feel like doing... I still can`t pull myself together:o/ Sometimes it`s good, erm better - I feel I can get over my problems, pass those final exams with good results, go to whichever uni I choose, achieve all I want, be what I want in my life - and I feel I really can do it all. And then, the sorrow comes. I hate it - this feeling that I can`t change anything, that I`ll fail and disappoint my family, and most importantly - him, that I`m silly even thinking that I`m good enough to make my dreams come true... It`s awful.

And sometimes I just feel lost. Weak. Lonely. Worthless. In those times I think it`s not worth fighting, it`s just a waste of time when I can end it all so easily... Just find the courage to take the knife and let the blade meet my skin... I can almost feel it: sharp, thin and cool metal touching my warm, pinkish skin... with blueish/greenish veins underneath... the touch is gentle at first and then fast movement!... there is little pain and then comforting  warmth of blood... it`s leaking... and leaking... and leaking... and I`m leaving, feeling sleepy, my mind closing... until I`m gone. Not sure if it really feels this way, still leaving all the problems behind is worth a moment of suffering... few moments even... few hours... And then I think of my mum - she has so many problems, she should be resting and seeing a shrink and I should be the one who supports and helps her. If I killed myself, I think it would break her. And then I think of him. I try to imagine what I would feel if he killed himself. And I can`t do it. Not now. I have too many good people around me who I would hurt doing that.

Besides, after yesterday`s talk I feel I can handle this freaking school for one year more. With some help from the shrink, maybe I`ll even figure out a way to deal with my friends in a way that won`t leave me feeling humiliated by myself.

I told him a lot about the way I feel, the way I am. I wanted to be honest with him - I showed him what I really am like: coward, hurting my family and adding more problems to those they already have just because I`m having a "hard time", not having enough courage to express my opinion even to my friends, not having enough strength to at least try to reach for what I want, indulging myself... I told him all that... and he excused everything. Everything. I asked him if there was anything wouldn`t forgive me for doing and he said (I quote): "Nothing I can think of. If you killed someone I'd probably want to have a quick talk about it, but I'm sure we could work it out. ;-)". With such support, I really feel good. Very good;o) 

[	mood	|	sad	]
[	music	|	Tori Amos - "Gold Dust"	]

Again no post yesterday... It was a strange day.

We went - all four of us - for a trip to Olsztyn n/Częstochowa and to Ogrodzieniec to see the ruins of castles. These castles (and a number of others) once formed a defence site of the country; it was called The Route of Eagles` Nests and was built I think between XII and XIV century. The castles of the Route are situated in Jura Krakowsko - Częstochowska, a part of country that consists of low stony hills, shaped into fantastic figures by the glacier. The ruins themselves didn`t seem particularly beautiful to me - interesting, yes (how did they manage to build such huges castles on these rocks?), impressive, but not really pretty. The truly beatiful thing was the landscape - when I stood on the top of the castle in Olsztyn, I was surrounded by those hills from every side; green meadows, darker green forests and white and grey rocks; sky covered with deep blue, in some parts light purple thick clouds that became golden as the sun was setting... It was this open, unbounded space that appealed to me... It seemed to be filled with loneliness - an abandoned and forgotten kingdom... So full of irresistible beauty and sorrow... something I could relate to.

What was strange about this day? Well, first of all, we went there together - mum, Suel, me and dad, which is always *very* unusual. And surprisingly, they didn`t argue (almost) and it was just plainly nice. That`s strange.

The other strange thing was that it was me who drove the car! I made 270 km! And it was the first time I drove since passing my driving license, that is since June 25th. I broke few rules, lost control over the car for a second (but that`s because mum was yelling at me at the moment;o)) and almost crashed the poor vehicle while trying to park it, but apart from that, I did well. Maybe I was driving a bit too fast - 80km/h in little cities, up to 110km/h on the motorway, but it was so funny;o)

It was actually pretty good that they let me drive. I woke up yesterday morning feeling numb; had nightmares during the night. I got up, ate the breakfast, took a shower and still felt like I was in a dream - sad, but not in a painful way; indifferent. And then I had to concentrate on driving, pay attention to what was going on on the road, control the speed etc. If it had been my dad driving, I`d have listened to my music all the time and would have got lost in the sorrow completely. So it was all good after all.

My dad wanted to take him and me to those castles when he was here. Seeing them, I thought it would have been great... well, it`s another thing we`ll have to see when he comes over next time. 

I miss him hopelessly. I think I`ll be living from Saturday to Saturday, waiting for his phonecalls to lift me from chasms of sorrow, to bring back laughter and joy. I`m so weak, so pathetic... When he calls and talks to me, I feel I can defeat all of my fears, achieve anything I want, I feel strong and hopeful, and then, as I hang up the phone, it all leaves; I desperately try to keep it, to stop it from escaping... but I can`t and soon - it`s gone. And there are images, memories haunting me... He - at my brother`s house-warming party - dressed in black, his golden hair put into a ponytail... kneeling down before me in the train to Gdańsk... looking at me with love in his eyes in the teahouse in Łódź... quiet as we were admiring St.Mary`s Church in Kraków... letting me rest when we were climbing Tarnica - sitting on the ground in front of me and holding my hand as I was trying to catch the breath, looking like an elf... playing with me in the train from Toruń (oh, how naughty we were then...;o)... I feel so lonely and lost without him by my side, not feeling his body close to mine at night, not seeing his hair on the pillow as I wake up, not waking him up with kisses like I used to... It seems he took all the light and joy with him and so I`m lost in a world of darkness, pain and tears where I can find no comfort, where the only relief I can hope for is a phonecall... a world where I pray I don`t know to whom to be blessed with hearing his voice... And tears no longer help ease the pain, they left as well... I can`t cry. I`m lost