[

mood

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good

]

Oh, and this is something I found few days ago while reading various journals and I liked it:

Life is an opportunity: seize it
Life is beauty: admire it
Life is a gift: appreciate it
Life is a dream: make it come true
Life is a challenge: meet it
Life is a duty: complete it
Life is a game: play it
Life is expensive: preserve it
Life is a treasure: keep it
Life is love: enjoy it
Life is a mystery: deepen it
Life is a promise: fulfill it
Life is sorrow: overcome it
Life is a song: sing it
Life is a struggle: accept it
Life is a tragedy: face it
Life is an adventure: dare it
Life is luck: make it
Life is precious: do not destroy it
Life is life: fight for it!

[	mood	|	contemplative	]
[	music	|	Radiohead - "Pyramid Song"	]

It is truly hard to believe how his one word can cheer me up even when I`m feeling hopelessly depressed (well, okay, three words;o))

I do think I`m pathetic. I mean, so many people have real problems - serious lack of money, death of the ones they love, living in a country in war, suffering from deadly diseases... and yet they keep going, they keep fighting without feeling sorry for themselves. And I, having incredible, supportive boyfriend, loving family, being given help, not having to do anything I don`t feel like doing... I still can`t pull myself together:o/ Sometimes it`s good, erm better - I feel I can get over my problems, pass those final exams with good results, go to whichever uni I choose, achieve all I want, be what I want in my life - and I feel I really can do it all. And then, the sorrow comes. I hate it - this feeling that I can`t change anything, that I`ll fail and disappoint my family, and most importantly - him, that I`m silly even thinking that I`m good enough to make my dreams come true... It`s awful.

And sometimes I just feel lost. Weak. Lonely. Worthless. In those times I think it`s not worth fighting, it`s just a waste of time when I can end it all so easily... Just find the courage to take the knife and let the blade meet my skin... I can almost feel it: sharp, thin and cool metal touching my warm, pinkish skin... with blueish/greenish veins underneath... the touch is gentle at first and then fast movement!... there is little pain and then comforting  warmth of blood... it`s leaking... and leaking... and leaking... and I`m leaving, feeling sleepy, my mind closing... until I`m gone. Not sure if it really feels this way, still leaving all the problems behind is worth a moment of suffering... few moments even... few hours... And then I think of my mum - she has so many problems, she should be resting and seeing a shrink and I should be the one who supports and helps her. If I killed myself, I think it would break her. And then I think of him. I try to imagine what I would feel if he killed himself. And I can`t do it. Not now. I have too many good people around me who I would hurt doing that.

Besides, after yesterday`s talk I feel I can handle this freaking school for one year more. With some help from the shrink, maybe I`ll even figure out a way to deal with my friends in a way that won`t leave me feeling humiliated by myself.

I told him a lot about the way I feel, the way I am. I wanted to be honest with him - I showed him what I really am like: coward, hurting my family and adding more problems to those they already have just because I`m having a "hard time", not having enough courage to express my opinion even to my friends, not having enough strength to at least try to reach for what I want, indulging myself... I told him all that... and he excused everything. Everything. I asked him if there was anything wouldn`t forgive me for doing and he said (I quote): "Nothing I can think of. If you killed someone I'd probably want to have a quick talk about it, but I'm sure we could work it out. ;-)". With such support, I really feel good. Very good;o) 

[	mood	|	sad	]
[	music	|	Tori Amos - "Gold Dust"	]

Again no post yesterday... It was a strange day.

We went - all four of us - for a trip to Olsztyn n/Częstochowa and to Ogrodzieniec to see the ruins of castles. These castles (and a number of others) once formed a defence site of the country; it was called The Route of Eagles` Nests and was built I think between XII and XIV century. The castles of the Route are situated in Jura Krakowsko - Częstochowska, a part of country that consists of low stony hills, shaped into fantastic figures by the glacier. The ruins themselves didn`t seem particularly beautiful to me - interesting, yes (how did they manage to build such huges castles on these rocks?), impressive, but not really pretty. The truly beatiful thing was the landscape - when I stood on the top of the castle in Olsztyn, I was surrounded by those hills from every side; green meadows, darker green forests and white and grey rocks; sky covered with deep blue, in some parts light purple thick clouds that became golden as the sun was setting... It was this open, unbounded space that appealed to me... It seemed to be filled with loneliness - an abandoned and forgotten kingdom... So full of irresistible beauty and sorrow... something I could relate to.

What was strange about this day? Well, first of all, we went there together - mum, Suel, me and dad, which is always *very* unusual. And surprisingly, they didn`t argue (almost) and it was just plainly nice. That`s strange.

The other strange thing was that it was me who drove the car! I made 270 km! And it was the first time I drove since passing my driving license, that is since June 25th. I broke few rules, lost control over the car for a second (but that`s because mum was yelling at me at the moment;o)) and almost crashed the poor vehicle while trying to park it, but apart from that, I did well. Maybe I was driving a bit too fast - 80km/h in little cities, up to 110km/h on the motorway, but it was so funny;o)

It was actually pretty good that they let me drive. I woke up yesterday morning feeling numb; had nightmares during the night. I got up, ate the breakfast, took a shower and still felt like I was in a dream - sad, but not in a painful way; indifferent. And then I had to concentrate on driving, pay attention to what was going on on the road, control the speed etc. If it had been my dad driving, I`d have listened to my music all the time and would have got lost in the sorrow completely. So it was all good after all.

My dad wanted to take him and me to those castles when he was here. Seeing them, I thought it would have been great... well, it`s another thing we`ll have to see when he comes over next time. 

I miss him hopelessly. I think I`ll be living from Saturday to Saturday, waiting for his phonecalls to lift me from chasms of sorrow, to bring back laughter and joy. I`m so weak, so pathetic... When he calls and talks to me, I feel I can defeat all of my fears, achieve anything I want, I feel strong and hopeful, and then, as I hang up the phone, it all leaves; I desperately try to keep it, to stop it from escaping... but I can`t and soon - it`s gone. And there are images, memories haunting me... He - at my brother`s house-warming party - dressed in black, his golden hair put into a ponytail... kneeling down before me in the train to Gdańsk... looking at me with love in his eyes in the teahouse in Łódź... quiet as we were admiring St.Mary`s Church in Kraków... letting me rest when we were climbing Tarnica - sitting on the ground in front of me and holding my hand as I was trying to catch the breath, looking like an elf... playing with me in the train from Toruń (oh, how naughty we were then...;o)... I feel so lonely and lost without him by my side, not feeling his body close to mine at night, not seeing his hair on the pillow as I wake up, not waking him up with kisses like I used to... It seems he took all the light and joy with him and so I`m lost in a world of darkness, pain and tears where I can find no comfort, where the only relief I can hope for is a phonecall... a world where I pray I don`t know to whom to be blessed with hearing his voice... And tears no longer help ease the pain, they left as well... I can`t cry. I`m lost

[	mood	|	bouncy	]
[	music	|	Magic Dirt - "GirlBoy"	]

Yes, he`s called! And that`s all I need. Feel so happy now!;o))))

The moment I hear his voice it`s all back, all this happiness I felt when he was here;o) I was really sad this morning; and then he calls and after five minutes of talking with him I can`t stop laughing! He`s awesome;o)) It`s... absolutely amazing. He gives me energy, hope joy... Can`t believe it;o))

I can`t even concentrate now on what I`m writing, feel so happy!

I love him;o)))))))))))

[

mood

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scared

]

It came back. I was sitting and preparing nuts for my mom (she`s going to make a cake or whatever tomorrow) when suddenly I felt this sorrow. It was completely overwhelming. In that moment, I missed him so much that I felt physical pain. It was horrible. I couldn`t stop tears, I cried and cried... I talked to him even though he obviously wasn`t there... Then I played piano. First Bach, then Beethoven, later Chopin - this piece I really like - and then, to finish, some short, children stuff by Grieg. Felt better afterwards. Didn`t cry anymore, just felt numb. And then the worst came. I was sitiitng by the table, playing with those nuts, when suddenly I saw a little black animal running through the room. I was paralysed by fear. It looked like something between a cat, a rat and a squirrel. We don`t have any of these animals in our flat. I sitted, scared to death, afraid to take a deeper breath. I waited... and waited... and waited... and nothing happened, so I relaxed a bit and  continued to  prepare the nuts. So there I was, sitting, feeling almost okay when it happened again, only this time the animal looked more like a squirrel than like anything else and was grey and ran along the window. This time I was so frightened that I just sitted still and I hoped my mom would come back soon. After few minutes I gathered the courage to grab my mobile and call her to ask where she was. It turned out that she was five-minute walk distance from home. I waited for her, and when she called me to open the door, I just ran as fast as I could from where I was sitting before. I was never so scared in my own house:o/

It has never happened to me before, seeing things that don`t exist I mean. It was terrible. I was petrified, I didn`t even dare cry loudly. I really, really hope it will not happen again:o(((

[	mood	|	melancholy	]
[	music	|	Hans Zimmer - "Red Warrior"	]

Have been on a three-hour walk today... It was nice except I forgot that both pairs of my sandals are very uncomfortable, euphemistically speaking. Put it this way, I don`t think I will be able to go for a walk tomorrow.

I was already annoyed when I got back home (feet hurting terribly) and well, my morning good mood became a bit worse. But still, I shouldn`t complain - he wrote to me today!

The problem is that I seem to miss him a lot more than he misses me. Which is not at all that surprising - firstly, he gave me *much* more than I`ll ever have to offer him and secondly, as he said himself, he has some distractions - uni, work etc. I understand (or at least try to) that he can`t write to me as often as I would like, and that he can`t talk to me on AIM, and that most likely he won`t have time for a phonecall this weekend - it`s all absolutely reasonable, but of course not convincing for this part of my mind which is responsible for the way I feel. I want him to be here, and since that`s impossible, I want to talk to him - live or AIM - or get emails thoudsand times a day. I know it`s silly, selfish and childish, but I can`t help it. That`s how I feel, and it was him who always told me never to be ashamed of my feelings.

Still, I am trying to be calm and treat the situation where the love of my life is gone as something normal. It`s hard, I`m full of various emotions which I need to express somehow unless I want to explode - this is actually why I have a journal, right?!

After all, I don`t think only about him. I`m trying to plan the rest of the holidays (which is pretty tough because of the lack of money), decide which subjects I want to take on my final exams, decide what I actually want to study in the first place... *Not* thinking about him comes in fact much easier that I would like. I mean, I feel like I was somehow betraying him by not crying any more, by being able to listen to Tori and remain calm, by focusing on things different than the time we spent together... I begin to suspect that I could have got over his leaving earlier, only didn`t want to. Perhaps this is even what I should have done - he didn`t waste his time remembering our holidays, but just carried on. I didn`t want to do that. And  if I had the choice, I would still have spent this first few days after his departure crying and missing him like I have never missed anyone before. The love that I feel to him is incredible; it led me to places I`ve never even thought could exist, it made me see myself the way he sees me, it allowed me to see the world I know with his eyes and discover so many new things. I didn`t want, and still don`t, to forget this as fast as possible just to avoid the pain. Maybe I`m just finding excuses for my weakness. Possible. However that`s how I feel, and I have the right to feel everything.

[	mood	|	energetic	]
[	music	|	Hans Zimmer - "The Way Of The Sword"	]

Having an LJ makes me soooo excited! Could hardly leave the computer yesterday to go to bed;o) Still, despite having spent *hours* trying to work it out, I didn`t manage to make an icon;o( Oh, well...

Once I have journal, there are so many things I want to write about! For example, I discovered another reason why I created it. I`m simply chasing him, just like I did during first days after his departure. He left on Thursday. On Friday, I spent whole day searching the Net to find all I could about Tori. On Saturday I made similar search, only this time the subject of it was PJ Harvey. And on Sunday - Sandman. I felt that knowing more about music/comics/whatever that he likes was somehow bringing me closer to him. It seems LJ is the same case. He has his journal, so I felt that if I create my own we`ll be... not so far away.

It`s true. I really feel like he was somewhere near. Like I was watching him allthough he wasn`t aware of this. It`s, in a quite strange way, comforting.

And also... When he was here, he checked his email account few times - oczywiście;o) And he always had so many messages. He checked so many sites - comics, fanfic, news... That made me see how little I`m doing in my life. I suddenly realised that I neglected so many things I used to enjoy, things that used to be the sense of my life. Why, how did it happen? Why I no longer ride horses, read fantasy, seek to find inspiration in new music? How is it possible that I became indifferent to the beauty surrounding me every day? I once knew how to find beauty everywhere, even here... I can`t remember when it all started, probably in September or October last year, but what was the reason...? Why did I forget who I am? How could I do it?

So yeah, my presence here in the Net is also to re-discover myself, to recall all the things that used to make me happy... and hopefully find some more.

It`s only the second time I`m writing in this journal, and it`s already given me incredible peace of mind. I think I regained this strength I used to have... It feels so good;o))))

I`m only worried that it`s because I`ve found something new - LJ, my new toy - and when I become used to it, sorrow will come back... I fear that I won`t be able to find the light again, that I`ll get lost in the darkness where there is nothing I love, no love at all, only my fears, self-hatred and despair... Hopefully it won`t happen. I`ll do everything not to let it come back.  

Still, I can`t stop thinking about him. Memories of all these days we spent together come back all the time. But they no longer bring pain. They`ve started to bring me joy, peace, strength and... hope. It is truly priceless what he has given me.

I admire him greatly. He is so confindent, so aware of who he is and of what he wants; he never lets other people bring him down. He is the most incredible person I have ever met. And yet, he is still very kind to others, polite and nice. I wish I knew how to do this - be kind, polite etc. and yet remain myself. It`s hard for me because sooner or later I always find myself in a situation where I have to chose to whom I want to be loyal: myself or others. I usually chose others, as I generally tend to believe that they`re better that I am, and then later I hate myself for not being brave enough to stand up for what I believe in. I`m weak;o( But I`m willing to change it. And, what`s more important, I believe I can do it - thanks to him.

It seems that writing down my thoughts and emotions has awoken this need I used to feel quite often - the desire to write, to create new worlds, to build them with words... It`s amazing! I thought I lost this need. But it`s here. It`s now. I feel like coming back home and at the same time exploring something entirely new.

Actually, I felt the stories coming already back in Bieszczady. He was with me there; it was a wish coming true: I had the man I love in the place which is my mind`s real home. It was perfect:o)) And he surrounded me with his love and acceptance, and I felt so safe. In such atmosphere, my mind began to open again as there was nothing to fear, and even though he never said I should write (he wrote some stories and articles himself), I felt encouraged. Not specifically to write, but simply to express myself in any way that would please me - talking, writing, singing, touching... It was fantastic.

He may be gone now, but I remember everything and those memories give me power and help me not to be afraid of my dreams and desires. I want to use this power. And I will.

[

mood

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hopeful

]

Well, it seems I have an LJ now;o) Not really sure why I created it. Probably because it seems that it might be easier to find friends in the Net - as it`s generally easier to find people of the same interests as mine here. So that may be one reason.

The other is that my mind... has been a mess for a while. Maybe writing things down will help "clear" it a bit.

I`m making some progress in dealing with the fact that mój ukochany is gone;o( I even *almost* managed not to cry today. And I`m able to listen to Tori and to walk streets we once walked together without tears in my eyes.

I also slowly begin to think about things other than the touch of his hands, the look of his eyes when he looked at me, his wonderful smile; I try not to think about the way I felt in his arms - as if I always belonged there; I try not to remember this impossible, golden colour of his hair... because if I allow myself to think of that, I`ll break and get lost in mazes of sorrow again. I know he wouldn`t want that.

What I really should think of now is what to do with the school. Still have over a month of holidays, but the school *will* come back and as much as I hate to admit that, it`s sad truth that I *will* have to come back there.

Everytime time I think of school, my stomach begins to hurt, just like there was a little, wild and frightened animal inside. My mind refuses to believe that I`ll have to see my teachers and, more importantly, my "friends" again. I don`t think I have the strength to remain independent, to express my opinion without fear, to disagree with them, to fight when they treat me worse than I deserve and not feel guilty afterwards... I`m weak. I`m really disgusting;o(

I don`t want to come back there so much! God, I still remember this feeling of being trapped. Feeling that there is no way out, that I can`t do anything, that the disaster is coming, slowly, but inevitably... Feeling that I`m going insane, that my own mind is going to destroy me... And fear... fear everywhere... inside me, in my thoughts, and outside - unfriendly faces, situations that I can`t handle and that are absolutely normal for others... which made me feel like a total idiot... I really, *really* don`t want this back.

And I can`t let it happen. Not after all he`s told me. He gave me everything I needed so much, especially after this school year - love, acceptance, respect and support. And even though he knew how I really am, he still believed in me. He still was interested in my thoughts, in my words. He didn`t laugh at my dreams, even those most secret ones. He didn`t make fun of me because of my lack of knowledge. He never called me stupid and never let me think of myself that way. After all he`s given me, I believe I can face my problems and finally get over them. Especially since he still supports me.

Okay, that`s enough for the first time. Judging by the length of this entry, I really need this journal;o)